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jaymepayme
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a lot of drama, a lot of fun, hardly any homework =(
i have 200 sketches to do today by tomorrow. this blows. if i avg 20 an hour i'll be done by about 10:15 tonight.
ugh.
not possible.
anywho. i feel a little better but last night mitchell stayed here at the house after dinner with megan's family til like 3.
megan and stu excused themselves and went to be around 1 or so
mitch stayed. i was sure he'd leave but he didnt. so we looked for metalocalypse but it was nowhere to be found. allie said she may have lent it out to someone....wow.
so him and i watched UP since he'd never seen it. yeti took a liking to him last night.
its completely obvious things are totally done with him and i.
yeah he stayed til late to hang out with me but we were pretty much on opposite ends of the couch. it was just beyond awkward.
not to mention alkaline trio is this weekend. we've been talking about it for months.
he cancelled. he's going to san marcos with everyone this weekend.
it looks like i'm headed to san antonio. most likely thursday night. if not then for sure friday afternoon, i'll be there around 4ish.
i'll probably hang out with everyone in austin, maybe even see matt. i miss that kid.
we talk every night. we hadn't spoken since badih and his family went to town on him at tx roadhouse a few years back haha poor guy. i feel bad though for badih. he had a reason to freak out. he was under a lot of stress with me. if i could take back the way i acted towards his family that night i would. i was such a bitch. its pretty embarrassing.
matt told me the other night he has a crush on me lol. he said he's had one for a while even though he had a gf. her and him just broke up.
i hate boys.
nothing could happen though. besides the fact that he lives so far away, knowing that he cheated on his girlfriend and stayed up late talking to me every night would make me feel like i could never trust him. plus the back history on things between him and i....i just would feel like a hypocrite. i was all about badih. not that badih would care but in my mind i'd know.
yeah so san antonio next weekend. i'm pretty excited. i'm sure i'll have a shitton of homework
i should get started on mine now actually.
gah.
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Saturday, March 20th, 2010
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jaymepayme
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i feel so much better after our talk.
i feel so much lighter. i dont feel so sad anymore.
its only been two days but wow.
i wonder if he feels this great.
ahhhhh
its little mermaid time =)
i had a goofy day yesterday
just so happy
i feel like i could fly.
200 more sketches to do before monday.
a painting to finish
and work work work on polishing my ads!
<3<3dork<3<3
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jaymepayme
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i dont think everything is ok.
i dont think that this made it better or worse.
good thing is it wasn't weird. and for some odd reason it felt right.
i'm still sad about a lot of things. i'm sad things didnt work out. i'm sad i lost so much time and i'm sad that i'm still sad.
i think as much as i try to fight it i'll be upset about this for a while.
the notion to contact me was a good one.
i think things aren't ok, and they won't be for a while. the light at the end of the tunnel is far away but nevertheless it's there.
it felt good to be myself. it felt good to have a friend back in my life for 7 hours. someone that i know understands me and lets me be me regardless of all the pain and suffering and anger. he still let me be me and that means more to me than most things in life.
up here i'm so lost. i hate myself. everyone is so religious and so conservative. they'd never do half of things i've done or be ok with anyone that has. i have to keep my past a secret. i have to keep my humor toned down because people just think i'm weird.
i hate no being able to be me. i miss most the simple smiles and being able to be myself.
it was a good talk.
who knows if he'll contact me again.
who knows if he felt just as comfortable at some points.
who knows if it even matters if i'm in his life.
i'm not sure it really matters in mine yet.
it was good to have someone to talk to though.
and the apology is growing into one with substance. one with meaning and not just two words- i'm sorry.
i've been crying since last saturday i feel.
i'm crying now. ha and its not because of anyone but myself, i find myself hating myself so much. hating my past when i'm up here and hating who i am up here.
i hate that there's so much room for hate in my life.
i just want to smile. i just want to feel better.
Sleep, don't weep, my sweet love
Your face is all wet and your day was rough
So do what you must do to find yourself
Wear another shoe, or paint my shelf
Those times that I was broke, and you stood strong
I think I found a place where I...
Sleep, don't weep, my sweet love
Your face it's all wet 'cause our days were rough
So do what you must do to fill that hole
Wear another shoe to comfort the soul
Those times that I was broke, and you stood strong
I think I found a place where I feel I will...
Sleep, don't weep, my sweet love
My face it's all wet 'cause my day was rough
So do what you must do to find yourself
Wear another shoe, or paint my shelf
Those times that I was broke, and you stood strong
I hope I find a place where I feel I belong
Sleep, don't weep, my sweet love
My face is all wet 'cause my day was rough
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jaymepayme
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so i just got off the phone with mitchell. things are most definitely over. talked about d. talked about me holding back and how its not fair.
i probably shouldn't take this so hard because it's expected.
i'm broken and it was so stupid of me to fall for someone.
so incredibly stupid.
i don't deserve to be with anyone. i've done and said so many bad things. i've been through horrible things that i probably deserved. i don't deserve anyone to be good to me.
how can you give someone you when you can't even give yourself you?
i hate being this fucked up 6 months later.
i hate it so much.
i wish it didn't suck this bad just all around.
i need a pick me up.
i feel so sick.
when will it all just stop hurting?
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Thursday, March 18th, 2010
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jaymepayme
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you went from really sweet and sincere to the opposite.
i'm pretty sure i never said anything about starting a fight or argument, i never said anything about any problems or drama.
in fact i'm pretty sure i said i was truly sorry for never appreciating you, that i'd always love you (yes i hate what you've done) but that doesn't void the fact that i still have a special place for you in my heart, i also said that i do think i deserve an apology but only if its because you truly mean it for EVERYTHING you did not just the things you thought were awful because a lot of times you thought things were perfectly ok because we weren't technically together.
your tone of voice sounds just like old badih, you apologize and as soon as i throw in my opinion you go back to being so cold and i dont want that.
nobody ever even said about getting anyone else involved? i have no idea what you are talking about with that. the guy i was dating i told you that it was my insecurities because of what happened with you that ruined everything not you literally.
i know you think i'm some sort of dramatic bitch that likes to go crazy or something but if you haven't realized by now that i'm not that way and that the only times i ever freaked i had perfect reason to then you don't need to apologize.
so please don't apologize to me and then act like i'm trying to start a fight or drama because i never intended that and i stated that a million times. if anything its your friends (girlfriend) that liked to have her say so about things. no offense but i didn't have mitchell call you a poor lost father from his cell phone number. i never gave him your number or let him look at these messages and have him say anything to you. i kept this between you and me this whole time. i also never told him about any of the problems we had. i never told him anything personal about you or your family the way you told her, and i know this because when she texted me she knew things only you knew. so please just try and understand that i'm not trying to point fingers but i never wanted to start any problems or fights and the post you last wrote makes me not want to hear from you because those are things i've heard from you before and you constantly make me feel like the bad person. constantly i'm the problem and i'm the drama no matter how much i have to say thats good i'm always the problem and once again i'll never be a good enough person.
i'm sorry that you feel that way. all i wanted was for some peace but i know i'll never get that from you. you see me on facebook. you can ask for my number or screen name, you can even make a time to meet me up on here when i go through SA or CC. It's really not that hard I promise.
i dont know what else to tell you.
you hurt me so bad that i can't even live with myself most of the time. i think about you 24/7 and what happened. and i'm the one sitting here telling you that i know deep down you're not awful and i'll always love you and i'd never want to see you hurt. i just want you to apologize i'm the one giving you a chance to show me that you're sorry. this isn't so we can be friends or because i want you in my life again as anything but this is just so you know that i'm upset but i'm willing to let you have your say.
you said it yourself you dont deserve the acceptance of any apology or any forgiveness, any normal person badih would have never done this.
so tell me, if i've done and said these things to you how in the world can you even assume/accuse me of starting drama or problems?
continue hurting me, its ok. you think i'm bulletproof.
i'm not a bad person and a lot of things that have happened have humbled me. i feel like a deer in the headlights when it comes to guys and you and mostly anything because you tore every ounce of self esteem i had down. how could someone that weak try and start anything?
i want everything to be ok too. and i know you apologizing, just like you know, is not going to magically make everything better. i appreciate your attempts on here but i feel like you know there are other ways than this and i know you have access to them. you know people that have my number but i'm sure you're too embarrassed to ask. i know you've seen my on facebook for sure because i unblocked you from there and myspace about a month ago. you can totally reach me, you know that.
i'm sorry to sound so rude and cold its just i hate when you make it seem like i'm this awful dramatic girl when you're the one that fucked this all up and you know it because you've admitted it. i dont know why all of a sudden this all matters to you to apologize but whatever it is i hope its sincere. like i said i'll just have to sit back and wait for you to figure something out because i'm done reaching out, i've tried for months. and i should have never had to try.
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Tuesday, March 16th, 2010
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jaymepayme
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first of all, i dont think i was ever positive enough to you or told you i appreciated your efforts enough, and i think in the last post that i'm sure you read since now yours are deleted, that i really do want to thank you for the effort. i understand that it must have taken some guts and a chip off of your pride to say those things to me. for that i thank you. and you said you wished you'd treated me better or showed i was important, i wish i was more grateful for the things you did for me.
i'm glad i took a screen shot of your entries.
you deleted them and that's fine but i always want to remember that i'm not crazy for thinking all these years that you're not that awful. those proved that you do have a heart. it may be a small one for me as a soul but at least i know you dont feel the same about me the day we last spoke. at least i know that the person i shared something so special with wasn't a complete waste of time.
you have no response...i expected that.
i also expect you to not apologize to me in person, i've prepared for the worst with you because that's what i always get. let down just like everything else in my life.
don't feel bad. if it's just your conscious haunting you because of what you did then don't apologize at all or think about it. this should be for m benefit as selfish as this sounds.
you have what you want. you have everything you want without me and i know you don't regret losing me.
if you truly feel sorry for hurting me for my sake then sure i'd love to hear/see you apologize.
sorry for being so selfish but you hurting me hasn't hurt you nearly as much as it has hurt me. you have everything and you are fine. you don't cry yourself to sleep over me and you don't beat yourself up wondering why you weren't good enough (although i know you had your moments where you felt like that with me)
you're also not seen as a weak person by all your friends and family for sticking around with me for years while you were put to shame by someone you truly loved, you don't have your father crying because his daughter is still incredibly broken by what she put herself through.
there are plenty of good and bad things to say about you and me and what we had as friends or whatever it is that we were. looking back i know that you did not love me and that i created this monster myself.
like i said i dont expect anything from you so don't worry i won't be disappointed when you don't try to give me the peace i deserve.
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jaymepayme
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things are over with me and mitch. thanks to an ex boyfriend and a jealous roommate who is dating his best friend.
things aren't meant to work out in my favor.
i'm fucked for life.
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jeeptalk
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When I got my Jeep last year I didn't notice that the rear view mirror was not only on a bracket, it was being held up by one also. Well, the actual bracket fell off a few months ago and I got the stuff to put it back on and when I did I positioned it too close to the other bracket.
HOW DO I GET RID OF THIS OTHER BRACKET? It's annoying. Whoever put this other one on, put it on with the larger side down, so I have no leverage to pop it off. I am currently driving without my rear view mirror because the bracket popped off again.
Also, does anyone know how to remove the dried glue adhesive stuff from what the bracket left? I want to get it all removed before I attach the bracket again.
Any help would be awesome! Thanks!
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